DBT Wise Mind is the Best Skill for Highly Sensitive People

“Feelings come and go, like clouds in the sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

On the day my daughter Zoe turned seven weeks old, she burst into tears while I was changing her diaper. But why? What had I done? I remember panicking, confused, scared, and instantly guilty.

Eventually, I noticed her pinky was twisted up in her pony-print pajamas. I freed the little digit like my life depended on it and tried to kiss her pain away. As I gently rocked and soothed my wailing child, big tears poured down my own cheeks.

That’s when my …

“Feelings come and go, like clouds in the sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

On the day my daughter Zoe turned seven weeks old, she burst into tears while I was changing her diaper. But why? What had I done? I remember panicking, confused, scared, and instantly guilty.

Eventually, I noticed her pinky was twisted up in her pony-print pajamas. I freed the little digit like my life depended on it and tried to kiss her pain away. As I gently rocked and soothed my wailing child, big tears poured down my own cheeks.

That’s when my wife entered the room. I felt caught and spiraled deep into shame. Emotional thoughts kicked into overdrive: Oh my God, I hurt Zoe. I’m a terrible mother and I traumatized my daughter and my wife knows it. How could either of them ever trust me again?

In that vulnerable moment, I was deep in my Emotion Mind and far from Wise Mind, which is what I needed to access to navigate this situation effectively. These “mind states” are concepts from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which supports people in regulating their emotions and improving their relationships.

DBT teaches us that, at any given moment, our thoughts, feelings, and actions are influenced by three different potential states of mind: Emotional, Reasonable, and Wise.

To illustrate these mind states, I will provide examples of responses to the following situation:

You’ve been trying to hang out with one of your best friends for over two weeks. She hasn’t responded to your text or DMs. When she finally gets back to you, she writes, “Hey. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately. Can we check back in next month?”

In Emotion Mind, you’re ruled by feelings. Your emotions are in charge, dictating how you act and react. Things feel intense, critical, and urgent in this mind state. As a result, you might make impulsive choices, say things you don’t actually mean, or feel consumed by intense emotions.

Example: You take it personally, immediately feeling hurt and rejected. Your inner voice blurts out, “She doesn’t care about me” and “You are such a loser.” Your anger may tell you to respond with a sassy remark, or your sadness may encourage you to hide under the covers as you think, “I’m never good enough for anyone.”

In Reasonable Mind, logic and facts steer the ship. You calmly analyze the evidence and try to solve a given problem on an intellectual level. Sounds great, right? But there’s something missing. Reasonable Mind is inherently colder, more detached. In this mind state, feelings get denied and emotional nuance gets missed.

Example: After receiving the text, you may think, “She doesn’t want to hang out right now. I’ll text her next month.” You might respond with, “You need space. I’ll send you a text message in one month.”

While this thought process is logical, it may feel almost robotic because it does not take into consideration the hurt you are likely processing at that moment. Feeling rejected, worried, or experiencing a pang of loneliness or anger—those are perfectly valid emotional responses that are typically inaccessible when in Reasonable Mind.

Wise Mind is where the magic happens. Wise Mind synergizes